فکر کنم این بار انامی باشد که اینجا میگویم: اگر زندگی من فقط مجموعهی همین نامههایی باشد که در نتیجهی دوری با دوستانم رد و بدل میکنیم، باز هم راضیم ازش. یکی میپرسید چطوری توی دوری توانستهای رابطههایت را با آدمهایی که شهر که هیچ، کلن توی کشور دیگری زندگی میکنند حفظ کنی. با نامههای پر از جزییات از این دست. من و جیا کلن یک سال با هم توی یک شهر زندگی کردهایم. بقیهای این شش سال را حتی توی یک کشور مشترک هم زندگی نکردهایم. سه روز پیش داشتم توی مترو این ایمیلش را میخواندم و فکر کردم این نامه کلن نمونهی آرمانی ایمیلهایی است که توی این شش سال بین ما رد و بدل شده. ازش پرسیدم توی یک فضای فارسی زبان آیا میتوانم پابلیشش کنم؟ گفت باشد. ترجمه اگر کنم از کیفیتش کم میشود، همین طوری میگذارم. اگر روزی یک کتاب نوشتم که فرمش سفرنامهای نبود، حتمن فرمش مجموعهی نامه خواهد بود.
Hi dear Sara!
How's life with you? I miss you girl:)! A friend offered to go to Paris for NYE; if you'd been around (don't tell me that you are:D!!!) i would have done it for sure. Now just too much immobile mainly because of yet another annoying, strange, weird love story:). Anyhow - that's the good news: love is in the air again! I can do it! Yay!:) Just love can not do it for me as it seems:D. I'll explain briefly, it's entertaining. How about you though? Are you ok? Everything quiet in Kabul, or are you staying on site again? How's the work evolving? Are you happy with your job? For sure the experience is priceless, isn't it? How about your ambitions, do you count on and wish to stay much longer in the country? Best of luck with it, you're a hell of a strong person with always brilliant projects! Ah, that's something else: am working on redefining mine. Still aiming at the agricultural enterprise in some years, for now applying for jobs and prioritising daily troubles. Such as love. Here we are again:D.
So, quickly: i met a guy. His name is Karl, he's from Austria but he's not a creep (everyone else i met from there was so far). In fact, after a few dates just when i allowed myself to really get into him... it turned out his dad who did not raise him, is Iranian. Hehe (had the dad had even the slightest influence in his upbringing then i would have knocked it off-no offence, but I think you understand me after the disaster I had experienced anyway K in fact is a lovechild and his dad has got another family which didn't know about him). Anyhow, that's a sidetrack. Because i wish i could tell you every little funky, amazing, brilliant and endearing detail of how we met and how we feel, but it all got cut short after 2 weeks. Because i got cold feet, realised it went too fast for me after all that happened with Arash (whose name somehow just seems to be griffed in my memory so when i wake up in the middle of the night... etc:( ).
I cause a scene, dear Karl is very disappointed, understanding and then called it a 'pause' - and two days after his ex girlfriend emails him out of the blue, that she is coming back (she's American) and staying with him all of December! So he emails me in shock, we have a long dinner and discussion, he makes statements such as 'it had been so much easier if we had just been together'; 'those two weeks with you were better than all this relationship with her' and asks me if i want to meet her. I am confused, can't say i'm not over my ex one day, and have forgotten all about him the next just because some other woman shows up.... ;). Plus they've been together for two years, you have to respect that. If she still sees something in him, and he still sees something in her, they should go for it i guess. They know better than me after two weeks of dating.... So, that was the decision. He was going to give it another chance with his ex - and then at goodbye (after he gave me his gloves;) ) he says we should see it as if we'd both go on a long business trip and see each other again in January ... Of course, with all the affectionate bonds there were between us, there was a bit of going back and forth, but eventually we have not been in contact since early December And now that January is approaching and he might be getting back in town, with or without girlfriend, ex gf or whatever, i get extremely restless:). Sigh... He didn't contact me at all, which i think he didn't have to but he could have - for example, the friend who introduced us is a close friend of his. And sometime mid-December he sent her an email asking her to proof-read 'an email to break up with someone'. My friend had been travelling was not completely informed on every player in the game;), so consulted me. Which he know she would have done one way or another. Anyway - of course, it's the worst thing ever to break up over email, and it shows again that he's a softie. But only when it comes to women or loved ones, so it can be forgiven i think;). And its also a very bad thing for the gf/ex gf to do to just force herself on someone for a month, after you let your relationship wear down for a year, then spend a horrible month together in summer (his wordings of course) and break off all contact. Anyway. I told myself and my friend that Karl would be very unlikely to break up with her before Christmas because where would she go if not to Vienna to him and his mum (ouch), and he's such a good soul:).
So now i'm sitting, waiting, crossing my fingers, praying, WANTING HIM BACK!!! :) Of course realising that i'm not even sure for how long i want him back - it could be only for a month or two. But it might as well be a lifetime. Just sincerely hope and wish we get a chance to explore a bit more of how we'd work in a couple. As for my part - i've taken care of it, have been seeing a psychologist the past few weeks to get Arash tuned out of my brain (i dont quite believe in therapy, still, but it might speed things up - hopefully)! At least i think there's more room to start something new, and even maybe start it simultaneously with the apparently still ongoing detachment process.
Anyhow - i'm quite proud of myself not interfering with his process with The Other Woman (very existential subject though, quite strange to be confronted with love and jealousy and rivalry in this way!!!), and still believe the chances have always been at least 60-40 in my favor;). But by now he might not be into any dating at all. Or not into dating me anymore (not so likely) or have met someone else (unlikely too) - or... whatever. He might be dead, problem solved ;). Hehe no, seriously, i find myself starting to massively look forward to seeing him again, and my ratio trying to temper my emotions:). Let's see what happens. For now, i think i'll text him at new-year - just because i want to and Christmas is over:).
Well, that was it for the weird love story. Sorry for ranting on about it - i wish it was a better story about a techno-loving, chemistry&finance educated, culturally interested, socially extremely skilled, waltzing and chocolate cake eating, Iranian blooded, Austrian minded guy:). And i wish it wasn't that long;), sorry again! But it got my mind off of other things and people, and it reminded me there's a whole bigger world out there. That's already a good thing i reckon:).
How's your love life? Still experiencing the joy of being a scarce and sought-after commodity as a woman in the Afghan expat community?;) It can be very good as well, at times. At least a great second best - if you choose to consider a happy relationship a realistic option and not a myth;). Or maybe much different subjects - well i have to say i don't talk (if only for the sake of the length of this email;)) about social life, church where I'm integrating a lot again, to my satisfaction, the tons of handcraft/music projects I'm doing. I'd love to hang out with you again Sara! Live in the same city: Chat, listen to great and heartfelt music, smoke chicha (you do, right?):)!!!. In fact, maybe it'd be feasible to visit Uzbekistan together! It's around the corner for you, it's high on my list to visit friends again and i know you love the silk road countries too. Not sure if you want to go back to Uzb in particular? First thing is for me to find a new job though. Working on it! Hard! Wish me luck:).
Well, dear, thinking of you in that tough but fascinating country, I hope your having a fun weekend and NYE without any 'fireworks' but with lots of friends, happiness, good cheer and optimism! Big hugs to you, take care!
PS: please tell me if you are in Paris, I can drive down to Paris and be there late in the afternoon of 1st, so we can hang out for a couple of days...